How to deal with negative emotions part 2

Just say an affirmation that will help…. won't it? Just be positive. Do you hear yourself saying that to yourself,

or others, and do you ever get tired of hearing that. How can you be positive when you are feeling low.

The self help industry may tell you to do an affirmation, be positive.  But will that work or can it make you worse?

,

What is an affirmation exactly and how can it help me with my emotions. Just being positive does not always work to help you to feel better. So what will?


Do you tell yourself that everything will be alright, or say that to others and secretly inside you don't believe it, although you wouldn't admit that. Being honest with yourself is pretty hard.


Why? Because sometimes we just don't want to face the true issues that are going on and the emotions that have created memories are not easy to deal with. We sometimes just want to forget and just put it aside, push them back down because its painful, or embarrassing. We think one day I might deal with them or think we already have. however there are layers to emotions and sometimes under one emotion hides another. The quickest and fastest way to navigate them, especially the negative ones is to acknowledge them, so that one day they won't just finally explode.

The thing is, that when we do forget them, they often make us feel uneasy and create a memory in the body which is called dis- ease. Either they come back as an illness in the body or wrongly directed towards someone or something, perhaps in anger or jealousy or grief, even blaming and shaming others for how we feel. 

As we are not acknowledging the pain or hurt within it affects our relationships, work, home, kids because we then feel unrecognised by those around us, perhaps expecting them to consider how we feel or recognise it when they don’t even know how we are feeling because we haven't expressed. They can't help us they haven't got a clue what’s going on for us inside.


Emotions are a way of giving us some direction about how to change our life. When negative, they are a sign that there is something out of sync. Listening to those negative emotions is about understanding what is out of sync. When those emotions are positive, it means we’re feeling good, things are flowing. Sounds simple doesn’t it?


But how often do you listen to your emotions, but instead complain about things or acknowledge how you feel? How often do you, instead of telling yourself to suck it up, just be positive, or find someone to join you in your story to consistently complain, simply slow down to listen to what your emotions are telling you?


Positivity and affirmations only work when you have acknowledged the pain, the dissatisfaction, the negativity within, becoming aware of your excuses and why you are complaining. In order to work, affirmations have to be repeated, repeated, and repeated, to form a new pattern in the brain, and this takes up to 66 days. That’s a long time. They also have to relate to the issues you are facing rather then what others have told you to say.

The quicker option, not always the easiest, is to sit down and face your emotions, say hi to them, understand the message that they are giving you and release it to find a solution to manage it, accept it, validate it and open up to a new move towards a new positive healthy way of being..


The good that comes from listening, is you can help yourself by teaching yourself to understand your emotions, and understand the functioning of others, learning empathy and compassion. In business and in leadership roles, these are highly esteemed qualities to bring the best out of you, and your staff, and gain results.  The bad that comes from not listening, is you stop being true to you, stop expressing yourself and that leads to exhaustion, stress, you may criticise yourself or others, and can become judgemental.


Again this leads to the emotions coming out through pain in the body instead, and disconnecting in your relationships at work, at home. For me it came out in stress through the body, in the form of sciatica and lower back pain, among other things, and through continuous bad relationships.


(see below for further reading on this) You see, we take those emotions from our childhood that never got dealt with, or acknowledged, and bring them into our adult life where they often control our thoughts and mindset, and affect our relationships with others.


What's the first step to tuning in to hear my emotions:The first step therefore to dealing with your negative emotions or all emotions, is to learn how to become more present, present to hear yourself.


It is in slowing down that we become present and this can start with 3 minutes.


Check out my video for how to begin to breath to help.If you need any more ideas or help give me a call to chat and do 3 minutes a day to feel better.


Other various ways this can be done to hear your emotions mindfulness, meditation.


I teach mindfulness and 3 minute tools that clear the mind, the persistent negative thoughts and feelings, that helps to release stress or overwhelm and learning how to listen to yourself to know the difference between your emotions and others and what you need to turn things around.. (especially helpful for empaths or highly sensitive children)



This exploration period is a vital time to help your children build self confidence, to allow their curiosity. It is during this time that they need to be encouraged and supported, however we sometimes run around telling them don’t do this or don’t do that, be careful. Which can have the opposite effect of boosting their confidence !! Why? because it can instill fears and limits which very often are our own fears and limits.


Confidence after all is having the ability to trust in ones own capacity to accomplish and do what we want to do and if we don't know how, to learn. This can be instilled from a very young age.

How to cultivate confidence


How can we help our children, and why do some children dare and others don’t?

The simple answer is to be an example for your children, not do as I say but do as I do, and have a look at how you yourself deal with your own fears, and feelings, and what you might be teaching your child.

Children are learning from us all the time until they begin to develop their capacity to make their own opinions and become responsible, which they begin to formulate from ages 12-18 in early teens, a sometimes very conflictual period for all. The most significant phase of learning is between 0-6 years when they have not developed the capacity to analyse as yet, only to learn. During that time they take in from everything in their environment and especially from those people that are important to them, learning, mimicking, replicating, . From age 6 on they then begin to form cognitive abilities to slowly analyse, to transform things, add things, separate things, order things. It is not until and from the age of 12 onwards that they begin to think about possibilities, form new ideas, consider many points of view, become aware of their own or others thought processes, to understand if what they have learnt corresponds.


During these early periods in life they want to gain our approval so as to continue to feel loved.


It is therefore an important time in which we we need to learn how to validate their efforts not as good or bad but as a way to help them learn, to be ok to fail and to guide them to try again. Helping them to begin to believe in themselves and their own abilities.


It is also during this time that we teach them how to act and feel, understand themselves and their emotions. One of the biggest emotions that destroys confidence is fear. Fear is partly innate and partly learnt effecting how we feel about ourselves and our self trust. There is much research into whether we are born with fear or it is learnt, varying opinions. However scientific research says that there are only two real innate fears, the fear of falling and loud noises. The rest are learnt from evolution from our ancestry or fear of a future event, the thoughts of what might happen. Therefore certain fears are an illusion or imagined, although we don’t always understand that.


So what does this mean and what can we do?


When you don't acknowledge your own fears about what is happening for your children, or for you, they then do the same and your fears become theirs. If also you don't acknowledge the fears of your children nor have compassion for what is going on for them they begin to feel rejected and begin to lack confidence to trust themselves

.Many of us have not been taught how to accept our own feelings, perhaps they were never acknowledged when you were younger. Emotional Intelligence (being aware of our emotions and being able to acknowledge and express them) is very new, we are only beginning to learn more about it since the nineties. School didn't teach us.


You may then be doing the same to your children that you do to yourself covering up your fears, laughing them off, saying things like don’t be scared, there is nothing to be scared of, how silly “what are you scared of”? Have you heard yourself saying those things to your child?


It can be these, our own fears that then stop our children from experimenting or trying. Instead of instilling confidence and security that we trust they will be ok experimenting, guiding them and being the safety net if they fall climbing the climbing frame, or jumping off the rocks. we often say no or stop them doing it.


What happens is that Instead of teaching them to trust their own capacities or intuition or to experiment we teach them to doubt themselves. Later that may also effect their motivation.


We ask our children to do things that we ourselves may be scared of, because we ourselves might lack a bit of confidence, scared to fail, worried about other peoples opinions or tell ourselves inside don’t be scared when really we are.


So what can you do?


Start by learning how to be compassionate in acknowledging your own fears in life, to be prepared for what might happen, and then begin to learn how to acknowledge your children's, to teach them to do the same and help them step by step until they feel comfortable and safe. 



How do you begin to acknowledge your kids fears?


Let me give you an example:

I was with one of my clients a child age 6 boosting their confidence and self esteem through play. Whilst at the park the child wanted to go down the firemans pole and I could see that he was wary, scared. That innate fear of falling coming up!!

Instead of telling him not to be scared I acknowledged his fear to reassure him that it was ok to be scared, with words such as “I can see that it is difficult for you, that you are scared, but I believe in you, that you can do this and I'm here to help you". The first time he shyed away, then as I reassured and acknowledged his fear and I gave him some tips, he began to feel better to want to try. The second time I stood by him and guided him, we did this a few more times. Slowly he found his own confidence and finally did it alone. You could see how proud he was with himself.


Do you know that feeling of being proud when you have achieved something, confident that you succeeded when you never thought you could, maybe supported to get there, it’s a wonderful feeling. It reinforces your self confidence. You see confidence is not about waiting until you believe you have it to start, it’s about starting and then confidence is built, experimenting, adjusting and learning how.

If you can guide them, they will gain confidence in themselves, in their capacities to be supported and able to work it out. That learning lasts a life time. 

Being with compassion and listening to our children and saying “even though you are scared, I believe in you” can be some of the most powerful words that you can say to your child. It is essential that they are heard and understood in what they feel because when they aren't it feels to them like you are rejecting or judging them to be wrong in what they feel and who they are in their very essence. By taking a different approach the child will learn to accept themselves and all their feelings and not feel unloved for feeling what they feel and will begin to face their fears alone to try until they succeed. Even f they don’t succeed the first time, they won’t be scared about making mistakes. Once they have won and felt certain those skills are integrated they begin to trust themselves in the future.

Remember to not push your children to try and achieve things before they are ready, or to compare them to others. Understand that sometimes they are slower in one area then others.

Take time to see your own child and what level they are at, to compare them to themselves and what they are feasibly able to do. We often push them to be better because we want to be proud of them. However if you give your children challenges that are too hard, pressure to do more then they feasibly can without acknowledging that the child might have fears or reservations, shyness or is not at the same capacity to learn as others, instead of confidence it instills failure in the wrong way. They feel they have not lived up to your standards, may feel inadequate or criticised and it teaches them to give up on their projects. This will continue in later life.

Lets give our children this gift of time to guide them, validate their fears or feelings, encourage them to dare, make their own mistakes and try again and not be scared to experiment or feel wrong, and perhaps by supporting them that way we can teach ourselves to do the same thing.


I offer classes to create confident happy children or training for teachers with strategies for Calm & Emotional Intelligence. To find out more contact:

hello@takejoyseriously.org

Tel: +61 497062902

skype: elsa.tarantino

TIPS & TRICKS

Get clarity on what you want and define what sparks your joy, to boost your relationships & motivation on your journey through life Tel: +61 497 062902

Ersilia Tarantino Life Coach, Facilitator & Intuitive Guide

Follow me on Instagram

This error message is only visible to WordPress admins
Error: No posts found.

Check out our Inspiring Events, Weekends and Breaks


Become a joyful Spirit and keep up to date on our inspiring events, tips & tricks

Why take Joy Seriously?

5 steps to 

FIND INSPIRATIONWordsInspiring ExperiencesLifecoaching ExperienceABOUTAbout ErsiliaFAQ’s What’s an Inspired Break?CONTACT FIND INSPIRATIONWordsInspiring ExperiencesLifecoaching ExperienceABOUTAbout ErsiliaFAQ’s What’s an Inspired Break?CONTACT                                         How to deal with negative emotions part 2Just say an affirmation that will help…. won't it? Just be positive. Do you hear yourself saying that to yourself, or others, and do you ever get tired of hearing that. How can you be positive when you are feeling low. The self help industry may tell you to do an affirmation, be positive.  But will that work or can it make you worse?,What is an affirmation exactly and how can it help me with my emotions. Just being positive does not always work to help you to feel better. So what will?Do you tell yourself that everything will be alright, or say that to others and secretly inside you don't believe it, although you wouldn't admit that. Being honest with yourself is pretty hard. Why? Because sometimes we just don't want to face the true issues that are going on and the emotions that have created memories are not easy to deal with. We sometimes just want to forget and just put it aside, push them back down because its painful, or embarrassing. We think one day I might deal with them or think we already have. however there are layers to emotions and sometimes under one emotion hides another. The quickest and fastest way to navigate them, especially the negative ones is to acknowledge them, so that one day they won't just finally explode. The thing is, that when we do forget them, they often make us feel uneasy and create a memory in the body which is called dis- ease. Either they come back as an illness in the body or wrongly directed towards someone or something, perhaps in anger or jealousy or grief, even blaming and shaming others for how we feel.  As we are not acknowledging the pain or hurt within it affects our relationships, work, home, kids because we then feel unrecognised by those around us, perhaps expecting them to consider how we feel or recognise it when they don’t even know how we are feeling because we haven't expressed. They can't help us they haven't got a clue what’s going on for us inside.Emotions are a way of giving us some direction about how to change our life. When negative, they are a sign that there is something out of sync. Listening to those negative emotions is about understanding what is out of sync. When those emotions are positive, it means we’re feeling good, things are flowing. Sounds simple doesn’t it?But how often do you listen to your emotions, but instead complain about things or acknowledge how you feel? How often do you, instead of telling yourself to suck it up, just be positive, or find someone to join you in your story to consistently complain, simply slow down to listen to what your emotions are telling you? Positivity and affirmations only work when you have acknowledged the pain, the dissatisfaction, the negativity within, becoming aware of your excuses and why you are complaining. In order to work, affirmations have to be repeated, repeated, and repeated, to form a new pattern in the brain, and this takes up to 66 days. That’s a long time. They also have to relate to the issues you are facing rather then what others have told you to say. The quicker option, not always the easiest, is to sit down and face your emotions, say hi to them, understand the message that they are giving you and release it to find a solution to manage it, accept it, validate it and open up to a new move towards a new positive healthy way of being.. The good that comes from listening, is you can help yourself by teaching yourself to understand your emotions, and understand the functioning of others, learning empathy and compassion. In business and in leadership roles, these are highly esteemed qualities to bring the best out of you, and your staff, and gain results.  The bad that comes from not listening, is you stop being true to you, stop expressing yourself and that leads to exhaustion, stress, you may criticise yourself or others, and can become judgemental. Again this leads to the emotions coming out through pain in the body instead, and disconnecting in your relationships at work, at home. For me it came out in stress through the body, in the form of sciatica and lower back pain, among other things, and through continuous bad relationships. (see below for further reading on this) You see, we take those emotions from our childhood that never got dealt with, or acknowledged, and bring them into our adult life where they often control our thoughts and mindset, and affect our relationships with others. What's the first step to tuning in to hear my emotions:The first step therefore to dealing with your negative emotions or all emotions, is to learn how to become more present, present to hear yourself. It is in slowing down that we become present and this can start with 3 minutes. Check out my video for how to begin to breath to help.If you need any more ideas or help give me a call to chat and do 3 minutes a day to feel better. Other various ways this can be done to hear your emotions mindfulness, meditation. I teach mindfulness and 3 minute tools that clear the mind, the persistent negative thoughts and feelings, that helps to release stress or overwhelm and learning how to listen to yourself to know the difference between your emotions and others and what you need to turn things around.. (especially helpful for empaths or highly sensitive children) This exploration period is a vital time to help your children build self confidence, to allow their curiosity. It is during this time that they need to be encouraged and supported, however we sometimes run around telling them don’t do this or don’t do that, be careful. Which can have the opposite effect of boosting their confidence !! Why? because it can instill fears and limits which very often are our own fears and limits. Confidence after all is having the ability to trust in ones own capacity to accomplish and do what we want to do and if we don't know how, to learn. This can be instilled from a very young age.How can we help our children, and why do some children dare and others don’t?The simple answer is to be an example for your children, not do as I say but do as I do, and have a look at how you yourself deal with your own fears, and feelings, and what you might be teaching your child. Children are learning from us all the time until they begin to develop their capacity to make their own opinions and become responsible, which they begin to formulate from ages 12-18 in early teens, a sometimes very conflictual period for all. The most significant phase of learning is between 0-6 years when they have not developed the capacity to analyse as yet, only to learn. During that time they take in from everything in their environment and especially from those people that are important to them, learning, mimicking, replicating, . From age 6 on they then begin to form cognitive abilities to slowly analyse, to transform things, add things, separate things, order things. It is not until and from the age of 12 onwards that they begin to think about possibilities, form new ideas, consider many points of view, become aware of their own or others thought processes, to understand if what they have learnt corresponds.During these early periods in life they want to gain our approval so as to continue to feel loved.It is therefore an important time in which we we need to learn how to validate their efforts not as good or bad but as a way to help them learn, to be ok to fail and to guide them to try again. Helping them to begin to believe in themselves and their own abilities.It is also during this time that we teach them how to act and feel, understand themselves and their emotions. One of the biggest emotions that destroys confidence is fear. Fear is partly innate and partly learnt effecting how we feel about ourselves and our self trust. There is much research into whether we are born with fear or it is learnt, varying opinions. However scientific research says that there are only two real innate fears, the fear of falling and loud noises. The rest are learnt from evolution from our ancestry or fear of a future event, the thoughts of what might happen. Therefore certain fears are an illusion or imagined, although we don’t always understand that. So what does this mean and what can we do? When you don't acknowledge your own fears about what is happening for your children, or for you, they then do the same and your fears become theirs. If also you don't acknowledge the fears of your children nor have compassion for what is going on for them they begin to feel rejected and begin to lack confidence to trust themselves.Many of us have not been taught how to accept our own feelings, perhaps they were never acknowledged when you were younger. Emotional Intelligence (being aware of our emotions and being able to acknowledge and express them) is very new, we are only beginning to learn more about it since the nineties. School didn't teach us.You may then be doing the same to your children that you do to yourself covering up your fears, laughing them off, saying things like don’t be scared, there is nothing to be scared of, how silly “what are you scared of”? Have you heard yourself saying those things to your child?It can be these, our own fears that then stop our children from experimenting or trying. Instead of instilling confidence and security that we trust they will be ok experimenting, guiding them and being the safety net if they fall climbing the climbing frame, or jumping off the rocks. we often say no or stop them doing it.What happens is that Instead of teaching them to trust their own capacities or intuition or to experiment we teach them to doubt themselves. Later that may also effect their motivation.We ask our children to do things that we ourselves may be scared of, because we ourselves might lack a bit of confidence, scared to fail, worried about other peoples opinions or tell ourselves inside don’t be scared when really we are.So what can you do?Start by learning how to be compassionate in acknowledging your own fears in life, to be prepared for what might happen, and then begin to learn how to acknowledge your children's, to teach them to do the same and help them step by step until they feel comfortable and safe. How do you begin to acknowledge your kids fears? Let me give you an example: I was with one of my clients a child age 6 boosting their confidence and self esteem through play. Whilst at the park the child wanted to go down the firemans pole and I could see that he was wary, scared. That innate fear of falling coming up!! Instead of telling him not to be scared I acknowledged his fear to reassure him that it was ok to be scared, with words such as “I can see that it is difficult for you, that you are scared, but I believe in you, that you can do this and I'm here to help you”. The first time he shyed away, then as I reassured and acknowledged his fear and I gave him some tips, he began to feel better to want to try. The second time I stood by him and guided…

5 tips and tricks to get started in business with a small budget

5 Ways to save money through transition, down times 

Creativity is not always about being an artist, creativity is described as “the use of imagination or original ideas to create something; inventiveness”. Inventiveness can be found in all ways including being resourceful and creative with money.

How you feel effects what you do

Change your thoughts, change your life 

Have you ever thought that the way you think effects the way you feel that effects the actions that effects the results and outcomes in your life

Hey stranger!

Thanks for deciding to become a Joyful Spirit and keep updated

 Sign up today and get 10% discount on any workshops or lifecoaching.